CoNfUsÃo!!!!!!!

OLIMPIADAS 2004:
ESSA FOI HORRIVEL.. QUE SACANAGEM!!!

O que foi aquele idiota daquele irlandes e bebado (pra variar ne!) que impediu que ganhassemos a medalha de ouro na corrida olimpica hoje?? Disse que nao podiamos ganhar em nome de Deus!! Ah ta bom! Como se ja nao nos bastasse termos ganho pouquissimas medalahas. De fato que as Olimpiadas refletem a cultura dos povos e certamente na situaçao economica, no Brasil, onde conseguir patrocinadores para os atletas torna-se algo tao dificil quanto ganhar uma medalha de ouro nas olimpiadas. Ve-se logo que o esporte assim como as artes ainda sao pouco valorizados por aqui.Isso muito me entristece,embora eu saiba que as crianças abandonadas, a fome, o analfabetismo, a violencia,a corrupçao e o perrengue nosso de cada dia, sao ainda mais dificeis de engolir.

SER MULHER...

Assisti ao filme Olga. Quando vi o trailler no cinema ate chorei, mas quando assisti ao filme, nem achei assim tao gradioso, se parece mais com uma mini serie global. Mas alguem assim tao manteiga derretida como eu e que da muita enfase a detalhes que os olhos nao podem ver mas o coraçao pode sentir,vi dentro daqueles olhos frios azuis de uma alema que ao se desviar do olhar castanho doce e sedutor de um brasileiro, uma semalhança.. se a arte imita a vida, a vida segue e as mesmas coisas acontecem, mesmo que apos muitos anos..

Uma mulher rica, judia, que houvera desistido do amor,e da vida confortavel para lutar, ao lado dos menos favorecidos por um mundo mais justo. E mesmo que mantivesse a ideia fixa de que nao mais se deidicaria a relacionamentos,casamentos e filhos, se deixa seduzir por um homem de ideais semelahntes aos dela da forma mais tenra e cativante que um filme poderia mostrar.

OLGA:
" NUNCA SEREI CAPAZ DE ENTENDER ESSE PAÍS, AQUI ENCONTREI A MINHA FELICIDADE E AQUI MESMO A PERDI"

"PERTO DELE ME SINTO TAO FORTE E AO MESMO TEMPO TAO IMPOTENTE"

JULIO PRESTES:

"OLGA, ESTE E O MEU PAÍS..." enquanto ele falava seus olhos azuis frios admiravam o sol, o calor, o carnaval...

O filme me fez entender como as mulheres podem ser fortes, e claro que ha muitas outras mocinhas valentes em filmes como as  Olgas e as Erin Browcovich, porem saindo da vida das peliculas de cinema e alcançando a vida real, percebi o quanto ja me deixei abalar por fraquezas inuteis.

Percebi o quao futil eu posso ser as vezes e o quao superficial eu fui durante muito tempo. Assim falou a Dra. Magali, minha medica ha 9 anos, Ela olhou pra mim e me disse o quanto eu estava diferente, mais centrada. Foi engraçado quando ela disse que todas as vezes que eu converssava com ela, ela sempre tinha vontade de me dar uns toques, mas ela deixou que a vida o fizesse por mim: SE NAO POR AMOR, INFELIZMENTE PELA DOR ASSIM O FOI E PENSO QUE FOI BOM. Eu concordo com ela, mas eu gostaria de estar mais feliz com a felicidade dos outros. Um dia eu chego la! Eu vou chegar.

ENGLISH VERSION:

THIS IS AWFULL!!!

Who were that idiot drunk irish man (nothing new.. and irish drunk man!aha) who stopped the brazilian runner while he was leading the competition??? He said we could not win in the name of God!! YEAH RIGHT! As if it is not enough for us brazilians have winning so few meddals, specially gold ones. In fact the Olympic games always makes the countrie's cultural aspects comming out, and for sure the economical situation of Brasil, where it is hard to find sponsors for the athlets, as hard as getting a gold meddal, it is more than evident that the sports,just as the arts are still not so worth around here. That makes me down, although I know that the homeless children, poverty, violance,corruption and our daily difficulties are still the hardest things to handle.

TO BE A WOMAN...

I watched the brazilian movie, OLGA. When I first saw the trailler I have to confess I cryed, but when I watched the movie I really didan't think as good as it seammed to be. But it's obvious that someone too much sensitive as I am, who gives much more importance to the details that the eyes can't see but the heart can feel, could realize on that blue cold eyes of a german woman, trying to hide away from the sweety brown eyes of a brazilian man, something I've seen before. If the arts imitates life, life goes on and the same things can happen, even many years later...

A rich, jewish woman who has given up of love and a comfortable life to fight for the less fortunated ones and for a better world. Even keepping on her mind that she would never dedicate her life for relationships, marriage and children, she was seduced and fall in love with a  brazilian man with the same politics ideals and thoughts as hers on the sweetest and tender way a movie could express.

OLGA:
" I WILL NEVER  BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND BRASIL, HERE I FOUND OUT MY HAPPINESS AND RIGHT HERE I'VE LOST IT."

"CLOSE BY HIM I FEEL SO STRONG, AND SO WEAK AT THE SAME TIME"

JULIO PRESTES:

"OLGA, THIS IS MY COUNTRY..."
 And while he speaks, her cold,blue, wild open eyes were wondered by the sun, the warmity, the carnival...

The movie made me understand how women can be strong, and of course there are many brave women  in other movies, the "Olgas" and "Erin Browcovichs", but leaving the movie's life and getting into real life, I realized how silly I am, breaking myself down for just some useless stupid weaknesses.
 
I had realized how frivolous I can be sometimes, and how superficial I was for such a long time.That is even what Dr. Magali, my doctor for 9 year long, said. She looked into my eyes and said how different I was. More down on earth. It was funny when she said that all the times I used to talk to her before, she always felt like saying something to me like: NO, CAROL NO, NOT THIS WAY! but she said she was waitting for life do that itself: IF NOT FOR LOVE, UNFORTUNATELLY, YOU HAD TO LEARN BY PAIN, AND I THINK IT WAS GOOD ANYWAY.
I agree with her, but I'd like to be happier with the other one's happiness. One day I will get there! I know I will.

PORTUGUES& ENGLISH VERSION.....

EU NAO SUMI!!!!!!!!AHAHAHAHA

Estou aqui firme e forte e de visual novo apesar dos pesares... TAKE A LOOK BABIES!!! Esse e o estilo Carol!!!!

I did not vanish!!

I love you once i love you twice, I love you more than beans and rice!!!

Esses sao meus "cachorroes" Ricky & Snoopy, o mais engraçado e assistir essa dupla brigando com ciume um do outro ahahaha...

These are my "big dogs"Ricky and Snoopy, the funniest thing is watching them fighting jealous from each other ahahahaha.....

     SNOOPY, THE STUBORN!!!       

     RICKY MY SWEETY BABY !!!!                                            

Ao acordar...
Lembrei da formatura na oitava serie da minha prima em 1988,  EU ENTAO COM 8 ANOS, dancei do mesmo jeito como naquela epoca quando acordei esta manha ao som de " TAKE ON ME.... I'LL BE GONE, IN ONE DAY OR TWWOOOOOOO!!!!" É o A-ha era uma das sensaçoes do momento naquela epoca... :D

DEUTSCH KURZ TERUG!!!
E galera de volta pro alemao, acusativos, nominaticos e dativos que eu tanto "amo".
Eu no Basico 4 com um professor que enfatiza mais a gramatica que a fala, quando meus ultimos professores faziam o contrario... esse periodo vai ser F... to ate vendo...
Exemplinhos...

>>Ich wohne bei meine Eltern e diferente de Ich whone mit meine Eltern, o primeiro significaria: EU MORO NOS MEUS PAIS (EU MORO NA CASA DOS MEUS PAIS, ESPECIFICA ONDE VOCE MORA QUE E NA CASA DELES). A segunda sentença: Eu moro com meus pais (VOCE INFORMA QUE MORA COM SEUS PAIS MAS SE DISSER ISSO NA ALEMANHA ELES CERTAMENTE VAO TE PERGUNTAR: WO WOHNST DU DANN??(once vc mora entao??) Por que voce so especificou que mora com seus pais mas nao ONDE, afinal voce pode morar com seus pais na casa dos seus avós, na casa da tia, do irmao, ou de qual quer que seja!! Haja saco!!
WOHER? de onde? >>AUS DEM NIEDERLANDE
WO? ONDE?>>IM DEM NIEDERLANDE
WOHIN? PARA ONDE?>>IN DIE NIEDERLANDE

Nao to afim de dar curso de alemao online, so para provar que posso ficar louca a qualquer momento, dai voces saberao o porque!! EHEHE :)

A arte que imita a vida ou seria a arte que mostra a vida como ela e??

Eu sempre soube que a politica americana e podre, e apos assistir ao filme FARENHEIT 9/11 udo que eu sempre desconfiei veio a tona, nosso governo brasileiro e corrupto, mas o governo americano e a pura farsa de ideologias, uma peça de teatro sustentada por uma plateia ignorante, quase iletrada. Eu sai do cinema tao chocada que me deu vontade de ir ate a rua Mexico e por fogo no consulado americano. que me desculpem meus amigos americanos, nunca escondi de voces o que eu penso do seu povo, mas eu nao generalizo, afinal nenhum dos meus amigos tem culpa dessa podridao que assistimos todos os dias. Bem como nem eu nem voce temos culpa da merda em que o Brasil se encontra. Ao menos tenho plena consciencia que nao votei no Lula, mas mesmo que Jose Serra ganhasse, nao acho que haveria grandes mudanças.
 Ano passado durante a invasao do Iraque eu estive em um protesto aqui no Rio e um reporter de uma rede de Tv inglesa estava entrevistando um dos meus amigos quando eu me meti no meio ahaha... o cara tava enrrolado com o ingles. Eu falei alto, ate entao, eu tinha vontade de mudar o mundo. Ja levei pedrada no segundo grau quando protestavamos contra o almofadinha do nosso ex presidente Fernando Henrrique vendendo nosso pais, so faltou vender a Amazonia, mas esse mundo inteiro e tao podre que nem sabemos se ela fora vendida por uma lei extraordinaria, um decreto ultra confidencial... sera que to viajando na maionese??
Bom o fato e que sai do cinema tao chocada e pensativa que mal conseguia andar. Nao vou falar muito sobre este filme, pois alguem que leia meu post e o queira assistir ficara frustrdo se eu der detalhes acerca do mesmo :)

PARA AMENIZAR MINHA REVOLTA.... MOÇA DO BRINCO DE PEROLA...

Comprei o livro MOÇA DO BRINCO DE PEROLA (TITULO ORIGINAL- Girl on a pearl earring - Tracy Chavellier) antes de ir pra Holanda no inicio do ano. Esqueci de levar comigo para ler durante o tempo em que la estive, comprei-o por pura curiosodade naquele dia, Vi na vitrine da livraria Saraiva e peguei. Assim que retornei ao Rio, nao toquei mais no livro, eu nao queria saber nada de Holanda e por razoes obvias, Depois quando o tempo passou, e quando dei uma "geralzona" (geral+zona iihihh) no meu quarto, coloquei todos os meus livros pra fora. Substitui bonequinhas, ursinhos por dezenas de livros... parecia ate que isso foi um rito de passagem da garota que acreditava em principes encantados para aquele que finalmente pos os pes no chao.
Bom o fato e que fui ao cinema e assisti ao filme, lindo... porem muito compacto, o livro e mais completo, com um final bem mais feliz para a pequena, adoravel e contraditoria GRIET.
Me interessei tanto por Vermeer que ha duas semanas comprei um livro com suas obras completas as descrevendo uma por uma, o livro esta todo em ingles, mas e adoravel...  Quem sabe minha primeira filha nao se chame GRIET ao inves de Louise??!!aha

RELAX CAROL, RELAX!!!
Impressionante como fiz questao de ficar mais culta este ano, so eu sei porque, ate meu cabelo ja nao e mais loiro ahahaha SACANAGEM!! ... Bom eu acho que devo ter gastado  mas de R$300,00 so em livros este ano. Minha ultima aquisiçao fora O CODIGO DA VINCI.e DA-LHE.. NAO CONSIGO SEQUER DEIXAR DE LER O LIVRO, NEM NA FILA DO BANCO... QUERER SER A MULHER MARAVILHA.. DA TRABALHO... e esta me deixando estressada. E MELHOR EU PARAR COM ESSA MANIA de querer segurar o mundo nos meus braços.
Hoje a menina da Faculdade disse que eu era uma gerreira MALUCA:O QUE??? VOCE SAI DO CURSO DE ALEMAO , VEM PRA FACULDADE E AINDA VAI TRABALHAR ATE A MEIA NOITE E AINDA TEM QUE ACORDAR AS 6 NO DIA SEGUINTE???
- SIM.. E DAI??

ENGLISH VERSION:

ME WAKING UP THIS MORNING...

I had the memories of the prom date of my cousin after elementary school in 1988, ON THAT TIME I WAS STILL 8 YEARS OLD, I danced on my room the same was as I did that time listenning to "TAKE ON ME.......I'LL BE GOOOONE IN ONE DAY OR TWOOOOOO!!! YEAH that is A-HA one of the 80's stuff that I still love untill now ahaha silly isan't it??:D

DEUTSCH KURZ TERUG!!!

YEAH BACK TO GERMAN COURSE! Acusatives, nominatives, datives, that I "love so much. I am on basic 4, with a teacher who gives much more importance to the grammar than to the speach in german considering that my last teachers used to do the other way around. This level will be a hassle... I already can see it...

The movie artS that shows up life the way it is...

I always knew that the american politic was rotten, and after watching FARENHEIT 9/11, everything I was always suspicious about came out, our brazilian governament is corrupt, but the american one is a made of fake ideologies, a theather pray supported by an ignorant audience, almost illiterated. I left the movies so shocked, that I felt like going to Mexico Street in downtown and set the american consulate on fire. Sorry, american friends, I always was very honesty to you saying what I think about your people, but I do not do that as a general thing anyway, besides, my american friends have nothing to do with this bullshit we watch over Tv every single day, just like me and you have nothing to do with the shit our country has been drowned in. At least I am pretty sure that I did not vote in our president 2 years ago, but even if Jose Serra had won the elections, I don't think it would make such a big difference anyway.

Last year I had been on a protest here in Rio against the war in Iraque, a tv reporter from an english channel  interviwed me because my friends was speaking a very lousy english ahaha. I spoke very loud, untill that time I still had the feelling to change the world. I already had stones throwed against me when I was on high school protesting against the governament when they were selling our main public institutions to the foreingners. Nowadays we are not sure of anything anymore, we don't even know if the Amazon forest was sold out by him. Because that is the impression we got from here.
I will not say much more about the movie, because then it could screw the whole thing up, if someone feels like watching it.

TO MAKE IT SOFTER... GIRL ON A PERAL EARRING...

I bought the book GIRL ON A PERAL EARRING BY TRACY CHAVELLIER before I went to Holland on the begginning of this year, I forgot to take the book with me to read during the time I had been there, I bought it just for curiosity when I saw it through Saraiva book store window. As soon as I was back to Rio, I did not touch the book anymore, for obvious reasons, I didn't  want to see anything fom Holland  by that time. Then when time went by, I had straighten up my room completally, all my little dolls, Teddy bears were replaced by all my books on shelters... as if I was leaving the girl who believed on princes on a white horse on the woman who finally put got down on Earth.
Well, I went to the cinema to watch the movie about the book. Like always, the movie cuts off lots of details, important ones indeed, the book is more complete. The last chapter is also happier for little, lovely GRIET. I got intersted so much for Vermeer, that 2 weeks ago, I bought a book about his complete art paintings describing them one by one, the book is all in english but it's lovely... who knows my first dougther will not be Louise, but Griet!!! ehehe :D

RELAX CAROL, RELAX!!
That is impressive how I demanded from myself becoming more intelligent and wiser this year, only me knows why (???????????), at least my hair is not blonde anymore!! ehe just kidding!! I think I must have spent more than USD 100,00 only on books this year, My last one was THE DA VINCI CODE. I am totally hooked on that book, I can't even stop reading when I am waitting for something on the bank line... trying to be THE WONDER WOMAN it's making me an stressed one. IT IS BETTER THAT I STOP WITH THAT HABIT OF MINE OF TRYING TO HOLD THE WORLD IN MY ARMS.

Today a girl who studies on my classroom said that I was  crazy: WHAT?? YOU GO TO THE GERMAN COURSE, COME TO WATCH CLASSES HERE AND STILL WORKS UNTILL MIDNIGHT TO WAKE UP AT 6 A.M THE NEXT DAY??
-YES I DO! AND SO WHAT??

VIDA FEITA DE CASUALIDADES...

Resumos dos fatos...

Ha umas semanas,olhando minha imagem atraves do espelho, do nada virei pra minha irma e disse:EU ACHO QUE MEU CORAÇAO CONGELOU.
Passados alguns dias, mais precisamente numa sexta a tarde,o pessoal da Faculdade resolver sair pra tomar um Capuccino porque estava muito frio, eu fui. Chegando la haviam mais ou menos umas 10 cabeças, falavamos mal dos professores e reclamavamos do sistema de ensino brasileiro que e lento, caro e quando voce se forma nao tem perspectiva nenhuma. Eu costumava ser uma pessoa que fazia amizades bem rapidamente, hoje,sou muito desconfiada com todas as pessoas que ainda nao conheço, penso dez vezes ate em dizer um BOM DIA para quem quer que seja. Nao sei se isso foi uma forma de me proteger do mundo depois da forte depressao que tive.

No cafe em frente a livraria DA VINCI la estavamos. todos reunidos. quando um garoto, este eu costumo conversar bastante, disse assim: Tem uma pessoa aqui que quer te conhecer melhor.
Eu disse; Bom eu estou aqui ne! e sentou ao meu lado um rapaz interessante, bonitinho mas um papinho mala. aqueles papinhos chatos de homens nao burros, mas pouco inteligentes. Quando eu ja tava indo embora, caia uma chuvinha fina e ele pediu uma carona no meu submarino amarelo (meu guarda-chuva). La fomos eu e ele deixando, sem querer querendo, o resto do grupo para tras. Quando e parei na esteçao de metro, eu disse que ficaria ali e ao nos depedirmos ele me deu um beijo que deve ter durado assim uns 15 minutos, com uma puta chuva caindo no meu lombo e um monte de passantes retornando as suas casas apos um dia duro de trabalho. FUI embora e nao olhei pra tras.

Uns 3 dias depois eu o encontrei na escada e disse um rapido OI, e fui subindo com pressa pra nao perder a aula.
No intervalo das aulas o garoto que costumo conversar mais que o resto da turma veio ate mim e disse: Sabe o cara disse que esta triste com vc!
- Triste?? Mas o que e que eu fiz?
-Ele disse que vc mal falou com ele hoje.
- Ah peça desculpas por mim, eu estava com pressa
- ah nao, vai voce falar com ele.
- Eu nao... eu nao devo nenhuma satisfaçao da minha vida a ele.

Parou ai...
Uma semana depois, eis que o garoto me cerca no intervalo e pergunta se poderia falar comigo.
Conversando normalmente com ele,pedi desculpas por aquele dia e ele me perguntou de poderiamos nos ver outras vezes, eu disse que nao.
Eu nao sei que tipo de impacto isso causou nele, mas o cara ficou com lagrimas nos olhos e disse algo que me assustou:

-Olha, dentro dos seus olhos, todas as vezes que voce se reunia com o pessoal eu sempre notei que ha algo estranho em voce,voce so fala com o aquele garoto e troca meias palavras com as outras pessoas. Nao sei se voce esta magoada, sei la, voce e muito misteriosa. Voce acha que me tratando assim, conseguira se livrar do que ha dentro de voce?? e olhe eu nem preciso saber de voce pra sentir isso...- E VERDADE , ELE NAO SABE MESMO NADINHA DE NADA DA MINHA VIDA!! POXA SERA QUE E TAO OBVIO ASSIM????

No momento em que eu escutava aquilo pra me defender, so pude me lembrar de uma frase dita por Juliet Binoche em algum filme cujo nome esqueci ...
- NUNCA MEXA COM AS PESSOAS SOFRIDAS!

**Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you**

Peguei um copo dágua e fui embora.Acho que ele nao entendeu nada. Sou o tipo de pessoa que nao me apego muito facil as outras, mas quando eu o faço,e sempre intenso e verdadeiro.

**Someday we’ll know
Why samson loved delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you**

Fiquei confusa e triste. Fiquei com raiva de mim mesma e a noite escutando New Radicals eu me perguntei, eu sou muito nova para desaprender a conquistar e amar alguem. Isso esta me custando mais do que eu esperava, quando eu pensei que estava tudo bem, sempre tem algo que acontece pra me fazer voltar aquele estado de inercia sentimental. Esta tudo bem frio, ate mais frio que a noite de hoje. Quem conseguir quebrar esse iceberg, ganhara o trofeu do meu amor. Eu gostaria de poder derrete-lo, isso tornaria as coisas mais faceis pra mim.

**I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me? TONIGHT
Seeing you in february was great
Cliches eventually all come true
Time heals all wounds
I went to get me a  9th drink
And while I sleep a see you ran out the door with another girl
I woke up on the floor with my shoes on
A smile on my face and I didn’t even care**

** Trechos da musica: Someday you'll know- New Radicals.

ENGLISH VERSION
LIFE MADE OF CASUAL SITUATIONS...

About two weks ago, looking at my image through the mirror, I turned to my sister and said: I think my heart is frozen. She did not get anything, I just turned away and went out through the door.

Some days later, to be more especific on a friday afternoon, people from University decided to go out for a Capuccino because was too cold. There was about 10 people there, we were saying bad things about the teachers and complainning about the slowly, expensive brazilian education system and how are few the possibilitties after you graduate.
I used to be someone who make friends easilly, nowadays, I have been pretty reserved about people I still don't know,  even think 10 times before saying GOOD MORNING to someone. I don't know if this were the way I found to protect myself from the world after that damm depression.

On the cafee in front of DA VINCI book store, there we were.all together, when a guy, this one I usually talk more often than the others there came to me: THERE IS SOMEONE HERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW YOU BETTER, I SAID: Well, I am here! and the guy who wanted to "know me better" sat by my side. An intersting guy, cute,but with a boring chitchat. That kind of small talks not coming exactally from an stupid man, but from a certainlly not intelligent one. When I was going away, there was a fine rain outside and he asked for a "ride"on my yellow submarine (yellow umbrella). There we went, leaving behind us the rest of the group. When I stopped by the Subway station, I said I wuld stay there and we said goodbye, and we kissed each other, a 15 minutes long kiss I guess. A damm rain falling on my shoulder and lots of pessangers retuning home after a long hard working day. I wetn away and I did not look behind.

About 3 days later I met him on the stairs of the university building and I said a quick:HI. I just went up the stairs on a hurry not to loose classes.
During the break, the guy I use to talk more often, camew to me and said:You know, he is disapointed on you!
- Disapointed?? But what did I do?
- He said you barelly spoke to him today.
- Oh ok, say sorry to him, I was on a rush.
- oh no, you have to speak to him!!
- Me?? No way...my life is not his bussiness.

One week later, the guy was surrounding me during the break and asked if he could talk to me for a moment.
Talking to him on a normal way, I apologized for that day and he asked me if we could meet more often, I said NO.
I have no clue at all,what kind of impact that caused for him, but the guy had sore eyes and he told me something I got scared of:

-You know, inside your eyes, everytime I see you in the middle of people I always noticed that there is something strange on you. You only speak to that guy, and barelly talk during the meetings in group. I don't know if you are in pain at the moment,you are too mysterious. Do you think that treating me this way you gonna release yourself of what has been happenning inside of you?? I don't even need to know about you, to see what you're felling!- IT'S TRUTH, THIS GUY KNOwS NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT MY LIFE. IS THAT THAT OBVIOUS TO SEE???

By the moment I was leassoning to that guy, to defend myself, I could only remember something said by Juliet Binoch on a movie which name I don't remember...
-NEVER MESS WITH BROKEN ONES!!

**Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you**

I got a glass of water and I went away. I think he didan't understand anything at all. I am the kind of person who doesn't get attached to people so easilly, but when I do, it is intense and sincere.

**Someday we’ll know
Why samson loved delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you**

I got confused and in sorrow. I felt angry at myself and at night eassoning to NEW RADICALS on an old CD, I argued with my own: I am too young to forget to conqquer and love someone. That is costing me more than I expected. When I thought everything was ok, there is always something that
happens to bring back that sentimental inertia. Evertyhing is pretty cold, even colder than tonight. The one who break that big iceberg inside of me, will certainly win the gold trophy of my love. I wish I could melt this  iceberg to make things easier...

**I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me? TONIGHT
Seeing you in february was great
Cliches eventually all come true
Time heals all wounds
I went to get me a 9th drink
And while I sleep a see you ran out the door with another girl
I woke up on the floor with my shoes on
A smile on my face and I didn’t even care**

** SOMEDAY YOU'LL KNOW- NEW RADICALS.

O niver...

O dia exatamente nao fora legal, mas tudo bem...um e-mail bem rude: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY- que ridiculo, era melhor que nao tivesse se dado ao trabalho de digitar uma merda dessas, ligaçoes que nao pude atender pois passei o dia todo fora de casa.
No sabado uma terapia em grupo foi otima, exceto pelo fato de que no nosso grupo havia uma garota de 16 anos que falava muito e coisas um tanto quanto infantis. Mas olhando bem pra ela eu gostaria de ter sido como ela quando eu tinha 16 anos.

No sabado, uma reuniaozinha com os amigos mais proximos foi otimo, um bolo feito pela minha irma que e uma otima cozinheira e como ja mencionei adooooorrrraaaa preparar festinha.

FELIZ DIA DOS PAIS..

Meu pai..
O melhor homem que ja conheci em toda minha vida! Quando eu era pequena costumava dizer que eu me casaria com alguem assim como ele. Ele lutou muito para que fossemos o que somos, no seu jeito silencioso, na sua douçura e maneira pacifica de lidar com as situaçoes eu o admiro! Talvez porque eu nunca consegui ser como ele e talvez nunca conseguirei. Meu pai nunca precisou levantar a voz para que eu o obedecesse. Eu rezo pra ele todos os dias, ele e um pouco descrente de Deus, as vezes fala umas besteiras quanto a isso. Mas todas as vezes que ele assim o faz eu peço perdao por ele. Para o melhor homem e do mundo, eu so consegui dar um par de tennis Nike, bem tradicional nada de coloridinhos, bem do jeito que ele gosta e eu conheço bem meu papai. Basta que eu olhe pra ele, basta que eu sinta pelas palavras dele, e eu sei o que ele sente. Eu luto, luto sempre, na esperança de dar ao meu pai, (principalmente quando ele ficar mais velho e nao tiver mais tanta saude) tudo para que ele tenha uma vida confortavel, tanto ele quanto minha mae. Mas pelo meu pai e tao especial o que sinto, que nem sei descrever o tamanho do meu amor por ele. Apesar de ele nao me emprestar o carro nunca, de nao me entender direito, ele e uma das poucas pessoas que nada precisam dizer ou fazer para eu saber que me ama!

AH ESSE E O POEMA QUE MEU AMIGO PETE ME MANDOU DE ANIVERSSARIO!!! E MUITO LINDO!!
THIS IS THE POEM MY FRIEND PETE SENT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IT IS SO BEAUTIFULL!! THANKS DEAR PETE!!!
BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY KISSES WITH TONGUE????AHAHAHAH

Hey gorgeous thing
I wish you could hear me sing
and I also have something to say
HAVE A GREAT AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

With many years to go
and lovely things to happen in your "lifeshow"
I want you to enjoy this day
like somewhere you feel good and want to stay

Have a wonderful time
Eat sugar, not lime
Stay good and be sweet
Smile and show the world your white teeth :-)

Once again, have a wonderful Birthday my beautiful friend
Our friendship will never end!
Roses, hugs and kisses with tongue
that would be a great ending of my song!!!

XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX
@--)-- @--)-- @--)-- @--)-- @--)-- @--)-- @--)-- @--)-- @--)-- @--)--
 
ENGLISH VERSION: 

Birthday...

That day was not exactally cool, but that's fine... a very rude e-mail:HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY- RIDICULOUS!! It would be better not wasting any time typing such a bowshit like this, specially because of the main subject of the e- mail. I could not answer any call, I was all day long away from home.

On the saturday the therapy in group was great, except for the fact that there was a 16 years old girl who spoke too much and lots of childish stuff. But sttopping and thinking better I guess I'd like to be like hers when I was her age.

On saturday, a meeting with my closer friends was great, a birthday cake made by my sister, who is a greeeeaaattt cooker and as I said, looooves to organize parties and meetings.

SUNDAY:
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!
MY FATHER:

My dad is the best man I have ever known in my whole life!! When I was a kid I used to say that I would marry someone exactally like him. He fighted a lot for us to be what we are now, always on his silent, sweety and pacific way,he is just amazing!! Maybe because I could never be like him, maybe I never will. My father never needed to speak louder for me to obbey his orders. I pray for him every single day, he doesn't believe too much in God, sometimes he says some bowshits about it, but whenever he does it I ask God forgiviness for himself.
For the best man on the whole world I could only give a pair of NIKE tennis shoes, very tradicional, no colloured stuff, exactally the way he likes it, and I know my dad pretty well. It is enough for me just look into his eyes, and hear the way he speaks to understand what he is feelling at that moment. I fight and I fight always pretty hard, hopping to give my dad(specially when he becomes older and have mo more strenght to work) everything he needs to, so he can have a more comfortable retiremment.Not only him but also mom. What I feel for my dad is so much special that it is even hard for me to describe the size of my love for him.
Even never lending me his car, even not understanding myself as much as I would like, he is one of the few people I know, that nothing need to say or do for me to know that he does love me!! I LOVE YOU TOO!! I ALWAYS WILL!!

EU BEM QUE FALEI PRA ELA...
O TEMPO PASSOU NA JANELA,
E SO A CAROLINA NAO VIU...

(Chico Buarque De Holanda- Carolina)

Chico compos essa musica muito antes do meu nascimento, mas e como se a fizessse pra mim. Quando eu era pequena e dizia meu nome, os adultos costumavam cantar esta musica, ate entao a cançao nada me dizia, hoje, apesar de descrever sua namorada de colegial, ele mal sabe que falava comigo tambem.
Amanha, dia 6 de agosto, fui nascer logo nesse dia tragico para o povo de Hiroshima!! Talvez Deus fora tao sabio ao me colocar no mundo neste dia me associando a um CAOS. 6 de agosto de 1980 as 11:48 da manha, nascia um bebe que levou quase 6 horas na sala de parto,  agarrei com minhas pequenas maozinhas dentro de minha mae como se nao quisesse nunca ter vindo ao mundo. O que poderia esperar da vida uma leonina com ascendente em escorpiao??? Um amigo que conheci rescentemente, uma gracinha de pessoa que acredita piamente na astrologia e certamente pesquisa muito acerca disso fez um comentario:NOSSA!!! VOCE DEVE SER UMA PESSOA FORTE!!!- Eu quase cai da cadeira:- Forte nao, orgulhosa talvez.
Ontem acabou meu trabalho no aeroporto, dormi na casa da minha grande amiga Karla em Santa Tereza, enquanto eu olhava a vista do cristo redentor iluminado, atraves da janela do quarto onde eu dormia, fiquei relembrando meus aniverssarios anteriores, ao menos aqueles que pude lembrar...

> Me lembrei de quando ganhei uma Barbie dada pela minha prima e madrinha de crisma, Kika.

> do meu aniverssario de 13 anos em que fiz um departamento inteiro onde minha mae trabalhava rir, quando falei que iria por fios de ouro em meu rosto para rejuvenescer 10 anos.

> Do meu niver de 14 anos quando fui ver o Romario no Mello Tennis Clube e a minha irma ganhou uma camisa da Seleçao autografada por ele- O Brasil havia ganhado a copa de 1994.

>do meu aniverssario de 15 anos- que comedia- minha mae me acordando com uma valsa italiana cheia de lagrimas nos olhos e dançando comigo sonolenta pela sala de estar.

>Do meu aniverssario de 16, quando recentemente a mae daquele meu primeiro amor havia se suicidado e eu fiquei triste por ele nao ter aprecido na minha casa. Quando finalmente tive a surpresa dos meus amigos- hoje ja casados e com um filho- Kate e Elias chegarem la em casa dizendo: VOCE DISSE QUE NUNCA RECEBEU UM BUQUE DE ROSAS DE ANIVERSSARIO AQUI ESTA!!

> Quando fiz 18 anos e passei o dia inteiro depressiva achando que eu estava "ficando muito velha". QUE RIDICULO!!

>Nos meus 19 anos que comemorei com alguns amigos numa boate  e fiquei quieta num canto refletindo: O que eu estou fazendo aqui nesse lixo no dia do meu aniverssario??

>Aos 20 quando meu ex namorado Nando foi me visitar mesmo com o pe quebrado.

>Aos 21 que cheguei em casa e havia uma festa surpresa pra mim, com minha familia e meus melhores amigos presentes; e um parabens pra voce surpresa na Embratel, onde eu trabalhava.

>Aos 22, que fora uma dia muito ruim, mas havia sido plenamente iluminado quando logo pela manha recebi a ligaçao de uma pessoa muito especial  e que  atualmente nada precisa dizer pra que me faça sofrer,e talvez por isso, ela seja especial.

>Ano passado, ah... ano passado, como posso esquecer?!! O aniverssario do aniverssario mais feliz de minha vida... Esse mesmo Corcovado o qual estive olhando por horas e horas relembrando de tudo, fora testemhnha do que vivi. E tudo a minha volta aquele dia, nao fazia o minimo sentido porque a meu lado estava o sentido daquilo que eu havia procurado durante todos esses aniverssarios e nunca houvera encontrado.Nao vou me estender nisso... as vezes boas lembranças tambem podem trazer muita dor.

Amanha um dia como os outros, fiquei com pena da minha mama e da minha irma tentando organizar uma festa surpresa,, eu fingi que nao houvera escutado nada. Minha irma veios me perguntar... VOCE VAI TRABALHAR AMANHA OU ESTA DE FOLGA?
Acho que a festeira e expert em organizar festas como ela se decepcionou quando eu disse: SIM!
Mas eu nao posso fazer nada quanto a isso, melhor que eu ocupe meu tempo o quanto puder e espere por aniverssarios mais felizes.  

ENGLISH VERSION

EU BEM QUE FALEI PRA ELA...I did tell her
O TEMPO PASSOU NA JANELA...Time went by through the window
E SO A CAROLINA NAO VIU...And only Carolina couldn't see

(Chico Buarque de Holanda- Carolina)

Chico wrote this song much before I was born, but it was as if he was writing the song for myself. When I was a kid, the adults used to sing this song for me whenever I said them my name, untill that time, this song had nothing to do with myself, today, describing his high school girlfriend, he sure never knew that he was also writing these words to me.
Tomorrow, august 6th, I was born just on a tragic day for Hiroshima people!! Maybe God was so wise to put me in the world linking myself with a total CAOS. August 6th, 1980 at 11:48 AM, a baby took about 6 hours inside the hiospital's labor room to come to the world. I grabbed something inside my mom'd body with my little hands as if I never wanted to come to this world. What a girl with the HOROSCOPE SIGN LEO AND ASCENDENT SCORPIO could expect of her life??!! A friend I met recentally, a very nice one actually, who understands and certainlly studies about astrology made a comment: WAW!!! YOU MUST BE A DAMM STRONG WOMAN!!- I almost feel off the chair:- Strong no, too proud, maybe!

Yesterday the work on the airport was over, I slept at my wonderfull friend Karla's place in Santa Tereza, while I was looking at the lighted view of Corcovado through the window I was sleeping at, I started remembering my past birthdays, at least the ones I could remember...

> I remembered when I won a Barbie doll, from my cousin and  Godmother, Kika.

>I remembered my 13 years-old- birthday when I made a whole departament my mom worked laugh out loud when I said I would put golden strings on my face to become 10 years younger.

>On my 14 years old when I went to Mello Tennis club and I saw Romario, my sister had won the brazilian's soccer team shirt with his autograph- On that time Brasil had just won the 1994's World Cup.

>Oh and how could I forget my 15 years old birthday when my mother woke me up, full of tears on her eyes, playing lots of italian songs on the cd player and making me dancing with her on the middle of the living room.

>My 16 years old.. well pretty though to say.. the mother of my first love had commited suicide recentally and I became sad because he wouldn't show up. When finally I had a surprise, my friends- Elias and Kate- Now already married and parents of a 6 years old boy-  got in my home saying: You said you had never won a bouquett of flowers, here it is!!

>>When I was 18 years old and I spent the whole birthday depressed because I thought I was getting too old!- WHAT A BOWSHIT!!

> My 19's birhtday when I went out with my friends to a dance club and sudenlly I felt like staying quiet on the darkest corner of the dance floor and said to myself: WHAT AM I DOING HERE IN THIS DUMP ON MY BIRTHDAY?

>On my 20's, when my ex- boyfriend Fernando came to visit me even having a twisted ankle.

> On my 21's I got home and there was a surprised party, my familly, my best friends, Fernando, everyone I liked was there. and also a surprise HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU on Embratel, where I worked at that time.

>My 22's birthday, was a very bad day actually, but that to totally changed when I received a call from a very special one, who, nowadays, nothing need to say to make me suffer, and maybe that is the reason why this one is still so special.

>Last year, oh... last year!! How could I forget?? The happiest birthday I ever had! This same Corcovado, I have been looking at the whole night remembering everything, was an witness of what I lived. And everything around me that day, had no meaning, because by my side, there was the real THING I was looking for through all my birthdays and had never found before, untill that day. I will not say much about it, sometimes good memories can also bring too much pain.

Tomorrow, a day just like the others, I felt pity of mama and my sister trying to organize a surprise party for myself, I pretended that I had not overheared anything through the door. My sister came to me: Are you going to work on friday or is it your day off?
I think that she got pretty disapointed when I said:YES. because no one I ever met like to organize parties as much as my sister does.
But unfortunatelly there is nothing I can do about it, better that I make tomorrow a pretty busy day and wait for happier birthdays.